Feeling Frenzy

So yeah, I posted that thing yesterday. Can't get my mind off the guy. He's everywhere like I said. I miss him...I miss his friendship overall. I miss hearing that voice... hearing that everything would be okay...hearing that he believed in me, and overall loved me despite any major flaws that exist. (Trust me, there are many). I swear, in another world him and I will be like two inseparable peas in a pod. If only those circumstances weren't standing in the way . . . I truly think I'd be one of the happiest kids on this planet. But enough of that... my mind has been consumed with him for the past few days now that I saw the preview for that show.

I'm sitting here in between classes listening to my Wreckers CD...I had been meaning to get this album for months, but between not having time or dinero, I had never gotten the chance to pick it up. I went to a cancer benefit last week with Blue October and in the gift bag I got this one..I absolutely love it. I love Michelle Branch. When I was venturing off to Hawaii for my first year of college and also fighting with my stubborn heart about that awful boyfriend I had for years....I listened to her album. It helped me escape, and I oftentimes went on aimless drives in my car (R.I.P). I missed her voice...and here she is with Jessica Harp (they both sound so much alike!) and they're singing songs with a country twang. I adore it. I met her briefly...of course I was pretty drunk off that open bar...but regardless, it was great meeting her. You can tell I was happy with my shit eat grin lol.


And then I got all giddy for this stupid guy in Blue October..Matt. So kind and sweet....until I found out he had a girlfriend.
They sing that song "Hate Me"..it's all over the radio..yeah I will hate you Matty.....kiss me, and tell me you have a girlfriend back in Austin, Texas. Great guy you are. "Oh, but we're not doing well... and you, I can't get enough of you... when I first met you..blah blah" Shut up. We all know you're just trying to get laid. Seriously..I met him randomly outside of work...had no idea who they were until their song jogged my memory.

Ugh the bastard. Guys - all the same right? Except for a select few. And they're either all married or...handicap..or not so aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Of course. Or they speak Swahili...or some foreign language...damn language barriers. I seriously bet the best guy for me is in like... Norway or something. He's definitely not in the United States. LOL

So Katy and I were discussing just how scared we are. We are scared at the beginning of our lives...no more parents, no more school, no more going down the hall and knocking on a friend's door when we feel alone. It's us. Bills, jobs, responsibility. I mean, I have plenty of that right now - but after May...it's showtime. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not even sure where I'm headed. California? London? Staying here in New York? What the fuck? What will I be? Who will I be with? What will I do? Where am I going altogether? I am so terrified. I was so terrified before I ventured off to college, but this is so much more different...this is real. The odds of me living back in Massachusetts is slim to none. How will I afford to live in New York? Will I get any job offers? Am I going to Africa for that month after I graduate like I had wanted? Or will that ruin the possibilities of starting my new life properly? I am so scared.

I've got eight months. Eight months to decide what I'm going to do with my life.

Let's pray to God he leads me the right way. I've already learned too much at this age...I've seen too much. I want to be innocent again and naive - well, to a degree. I want to make the right choices and never suffer the way I have again.

I hope everything turns out okay, no matter where I go... Let's only hope.