My blog craves more love. Poor blog.

So, we all know that I rarely get the "chance" to sit and write a well thought out and interesting blog. But in reality, I am so concerned with writing about crap, that I do not write at all sometimes. I've noticed that I've written in both blogs about twice a month, which simply isn't enough since I do need a therapist and it's a great alternative, oh and because if I want my blog to actually be read by anyone, I must keep up with it. So I decided. Instead of writing long rants about just one subject each time, I'll just keep it a subject about my crazy life's going ons. Maybe one day I'll run into a crack whore who will assault me, but I will also tell you about just how good the fudge brownies I made, came out. That's how my life is (minus the crack whore and the assault), so I may as well write about it (the craziness that is).

So, my move back to New York is approaching in two days, which is really swell (notice the sarcasm) considering my University would probably be ranked on a Most Unorganized University of 2006 list. No joke. I'm not going to go into the chronological line of events, but let's just say due to their continuous discrepancies, I may not have a place to to move into come Sunday. This certainly does not give me a peace of mind during my last year of college. I just want to graduate and get on out. I don't want to be a "SUPER SENIOR", you know those seniors who were too lazy to take enough credits to graduate on time, or better yet - the ones who failed too many. No, that's not me. Anyways, if one more thought about that subject passes through my head, I think I may rip my hair out slowly but surely.

So on to a different subject:

My fat.

This fat is not wanted - therefore I'm trying to give a swift little wave and say "goodbye". I am doing this by eating really healthy and in weight portions, which seems a little extreme, but my sister has been doing it for years. She lost 80 lbs. and used to be one large woman. Now she's as hot as can be and looks like the Carmen Electra version of a woman who's had 4 children. She looks amazing and is definitely hot! So tell me, why is it that my sister who is 15 years my senior, hotter than I, a college student who is 21 years old. Shouldn't I be in the best shape of my life? Isn't that what we women do? We seduce the men with our aesthetically pleasing looks, and then just get fat on them during marriage? Kidding. They'll cheat and run off with their secretary these days, so that's not even a viable option. But yeah, I should be in great shape, no more of this "thick", "curvy", "big boned" bullshit. Lose weight bitch. So I've been laying off the sugar (except for in fruit), and flour. Not sure if I lost weight, but I do feel pretty good knowing that I will. I will say one thing though..it's like World War III between my belly and my head at night. I get cravings, and I fight with myself. Honestly, I think God rewards us. If we want to be indulgent in food, and have all the yummiest most disgustingly fatty foods, the trade off is that we become absolute fat asses (which is our punishment). However, if we discipline ourselves (which is the punishment), we will be rewarded with a hot body. Hmm. I hate discipline, ask my mother - I've never been good with it. I'm self indulgent, so odds are this diet will last me a month tops. Well, it's raining out, and I feel like I want to wrap myself up in a blanket and make myself into a warm little cacoon, but no can do. I'm going to go stuff my face with healthy food . . . . Until next time....

Perpetual Singledom?

Okay so I'm single. I've been single for almost 2 years now. This seems a bit questionable especially with the slew of friends and acquaintances being in serious relationships, engaged or...*gasp* married.

Some would question my ability to handle a relationship, or wonder if I simply scare men off. The answer is: Neither.

The real answer? My life is too crazy. Literally. Let me run down the list of past and current happenings which have disabled my ability to merely acquire a serious relationship.

Went to Hawaii for my first year of college...tried the long distance relationship thing, but it really doesn't work, especially when your sexaholic boyfriend can't seem to keep his male appendage within his pants long enough to prove how much he really "loves you".

After being a bit discouraged by that, I did remain single by choice, however - now even if I wanted (which I kind of do actually) a relationship, I really have no choice unless I want a put a stop on my life and my ultimate dreams.

So in 2004, I moved to New York City...which we all know is actually ironically enough, hard to find a decent mate in despite there being 1,600,000 people on the island alone. However, the crazy busy Manhattan life is filled with singles who are so career driven, that they don't even have time to sit down and take a shit.

Since I only attend school in Manhattan and don't spend my summers there, it's been a bit hard to really have the desire, among the lack of time - to find a boyfriend due to the 4 months out of the year that I spend in my beloved home state of Massachusetts.

This summer I lived in Los Angeles, California which was an absolutely amazing experience. I did find a guy whom I thought I could have seen myself with, but I didn't want to get myself in too deep due to the fact that I was leaving soon, oh and the fact that he turned out to be a bipolar psychomaniac. Hmm...

Now, as graduation approaches, I have 9 more months in Manhattan; plenty of time to find looooove. (If I wanted to) Problem is, if I find it - I will either have to disengage myself from future plans, or ditch my new found love. Two things I simply do not want to have to endure. So, that leaves me with no real option aka lonely.

My plans: After graduation, I truly want to do something worth doing before entering into the "real world". My plan is to go to Africa and help out for a month in Ghana by helping the little kids and babies whos parents have left them. Sounds pretty nuts and Angelina Jolie-ish huh? Thing is, if anyone knows me - they know I'll do it. They also know that the desire runs so deep, that it will in fact end up happening. A big part of me truly wants to visit Europe as well. This is something I am dying to do. I've already seen much of the wonders and delights that the United States has to offer, so now I'm ready to move on to bigger and better things.

Ok, so...where would a boyfriend fit into all of this? Especially since after that occurs, I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed as far as settling down goes. I suppose it depends on the job opportunities at the time. After my test run experience this summer in LA, I truly think Los Angeles is the place I want to start off in, but who knows if I will fall in love with Europe or life will call me to do something else? I have a passion for so many different things...TV/Film, Marketing, Activism...everything. I honestly cannot say where life will lead me. I do know that as much as these dreams have a hold of me, that I do also have a dream to find the most amazing man for me...and it does get lonely sometimes. Men often take offense when I turn them "down", or discontinue truly getting to know them, when in reality (many times) it's solely based on the fact that I simply cannot get into a relationship. I've already dealt with plenty of pain in my life, and certainly do not want to endure it again.

Hmm...that leaves me wondering when I will find someone? Do I have to tell guys -- "Maybe we can try this in a year or two". It's been a while...I have so much to give to someone, I know this...but unless this person wants to drop everything and happens to want to do the same exact crazy things I do, it's simply not going to happen. Most people are settled in what they do, which is greatly respectable, but I can't expect them to drop everything and go on excursions.

I suppose it's a trade off.

I guess I will have to wait until whoever that person is, comes into my life..and at the right now. Until then - now you know the reason why I'm always SINGLE.

Let's hope I don't end up a cat lady.

What?! I have to know now?!

I have to know now what I want to do for the rest of my life?

Oh my.

I'm a senior in college, and I'm still not sure of the exact job I would like. I mean honestly, there's a list of careers I wouldn't mind having such as:

Talent Agent
Private Investigator
Publicist
Director
Producer
Radio DJ
Marketing Exec.
Advertising Exec.

Ok ok, so most are pretty much within the Communications Field (except for a P.I. of course). So at least I have an idea of the general field I'd like to be in, but still. I need to know what it is that I'm passionate about, and I haven't figured it out yet. It's scary. One more year (actually, less than a year), and I'm out in the real world. The world where you can't call Mom & Dad anymore. The world where rent is due every month on the 1st, and if you can't pay it, then get the f*ck on out!

I'm excited but apprehensive at the same time, which is normal in all senses, but I just wish I knew exactly what it is that I want to do. Everytime I think of something I may like to do, I always remember the severe downfalls of such jobs.

Ok, let's begin.

Talent Agent/Publicist - Two different jobs, but very alike. Both deal with bullshit. You have to bullshit your way through everything. No one gives a damn who you are, you just are just a floating accessory to the high-demanding actors and actresses in LA. You deal with fakeness 24-7 and frankly, I think I would either go crazy or into some deep dark depression after a few years of it. Not my idea of a lifelong career, although it would be more than fun at this age, odds are I'd turn into a scumsucking bitch. So I'm all set with that.

Private Investigator- I was so impressed with the women who did the investigation when finding my real father, that I honestly started contemplating on whether or not it was something I wanted to do. I mean, it was awesome. Hidden microphones, cameras, digging up trash on people, suspense...I mean, it seemed pretty interesting. However one woman told me that most of her dealings were with people trying to find out whether or not their spouses were cheating. Word has it, that most P.I's have a hard time in their own marriages, simply because when investigating infedelity on a daily basis, it is natural to begin thinking that perhaps your own spouse may be cheating; you're constantly paranoid just waiting for them to. I, don't want to live a life like that; so that probably isn't in my cards.

Director/Producer: Ok, so whilst living in Los Angeles, I don't think I met one person who wasn't either an actor, singer or...you guessed it; director or producer. This means that there's a ton of people going out for barely any positions. Another thing, is that with a job like that, there's never a constant steady job (aka constant steady income). There's always projects coming and going, shows and movies going on hiatus. I mean, I wouldn't mind the constant breaks. But my wallet certainly couldn't afford the breaks. It seems to me, that it would be too much of a struggle to become one?

Radio DJ: All throughout high school, I wanted to be a radio personality. I had always been told I had the voice for it, but soon I started realizing that at about every radio station, they had about 2 female personalities and 12 males. That means that, for the top 8 stations in each city, only about 16 women are going to get quality jobs in that market. Sixteen in each city. That's ridiculous. Women simply don't have enough pull in that field yet. 'Nuff said.

Marketing/Advertising Exec: These jobs are the jobs that woman only dreamed of 50 years ago. The kind of job where you are in control..making a substantial amount of income, looking sharp every day and working 80 hours a week. Do you want to have children? Do you want to have much of a life? Thing with me, is once I start working, and I'm passionate about it. I guess you could call me a workaholic. I love marketing and advertising, and I believe I'm rather good at it. It's something I certainly would do straight out of college, but I worry about how much of a toll it would take on the whole family starting thing. Hmm. Maybe I can be like Lynette Schavo on Desperate Housewives? Multi-task? (Only DH fans would know what I'm talking about).

I mean, every job is going to have it's ups and downs. I realize this, it's just hard to be forced to weigh all of these positives and negatives, and have to choose a direct route so soon. I suppose, I will see where this life takes me and what opportunities come my way. Anyone and everyone who knows me, knows that I'm a risk-taker. I believe in taking them, because if you don't, you may never know of the joys that may come, despite the hardships that are inevitable.

My only option is to: go with the flow.

That's my career choice: Going with the flow. Yep. That's my answer.

The End.