Rascal Flatts is GOD.

I'm crying. Like a little weak girl.

I'm frustrated...just frustrated. Like I bitched and moaned about previously..I'm struggling financially. Why is it that most of my friends who are seniors..are just living their lives happily...going to school with not a financial woe in this world. Either Mommy and Daddy are paying for their extracurricular activities or their parents were smart enough to help them take out enough loans to cover the necessities? Why am I sitting here in utter despair not being able to pay for the little things and the necessities because my energy and time are going to what is needed to finish this school year successfully?

I'm also terrified of what the hell I'm going to do after this year..like I said before. I won't have enough money or the proper credit score to just start anew somewhere. I'm going to have to sit there in miserable Massachusetts for months, and who knows if I'll ever make enough to save up to get the fuck out.

I was just in my Business of TV/Film class.....and my teacher is brilliant. He really is. He brings up the best points ever. And every thing I had to say..he shot it down...with great and truthful responses. Thus making me look like an idiot. Not once, not twice but over and over again. The other students were even laughing at me at the end of it..I just looked like the biggest idiot. I walked out... only to be chased down by the professor....he apologized for pretty much also saying I was retarded (not those exact words but quite close), and insisted I come back to class....I sat down only to still feel like a douchebag.

I'm sort of dating this guy...I like him, but he's going through a really hard time in his life, and he's really bad at the whole communication thing. Weird as that sounds... he's really bad at merely texting me back when I write him a text. I can take it personally as disrespect, but I genuinely do not think he means it that way, that's just not his thing. While many things appeal to me about him -- it's one thing I'm not sure I could get used to if we began dating seriously. I guess I can't expect much from someone who just went through a traumatic experience...I'm the type of person who is a great listener and wants to be there...it's hard for me to be able to truly relate to those who harbor their feelings within..as I am quite the opposite...I guess we'll see.

School blows. I mean I love my TV/Film classes...but I'm taking Statistics this year. It's causing absolute deep anxiety for me. When a teacher gives me 8 problems, I want to break down at the first one. I understood the material up until about Chapter 5..now we're on Chapter 9 and I want to slit my wrists (not literally but you know.) It is SO difficult for me. I feel like it's like I'm learning another language...I don't know if it's just because I over analyze it..or because my ADD takes a hold of me in class and once I'm behind I'm behind..but jeez..it's really effecting me.

If I fail it..I do not graduate in May.

I think it gives me even MORE fear and even MORE pressure.....which sucks.

Anyways...as I was writing this, one of my best friends Amy called..man she always makes me feel better..I fuckin love that girl. Seriously....what would we do without amazing friends?

She's my rock.

Ugh. I'm so confused about life in general.

I want to do SO much. I want to travel Europe..I want to spend a month there, or 6 months and work there. I want to volunteer...I want to direct films. I want to write a book. I want to write a screenplay. I want to take advantage of my singing ability make an album. I want to perform songs in front of people. I want to do stand up. I want to do plays. I want to be in an independent film. I want to be a private investigator. I want to paint a beautiful portrait. I want to learn Spanish more than what I know now..learn it fluently and speak it in a Spanish country. I want to defeat my asthma and run a few miles (I've never been able to do so.) I want to fall in love again...but this time to be loved in return..whole-heartedly......

Why is it that the majority of us are so restricted by time and financial problems that we are unable to do EVERY single one of those things? I mean, some say we can...I've noticed that my fear stops me from doing so many things. My fear of failure...

I find myself taking plenty of risks..but there's some risks that may jeopardize your entire life - so I question them. How do people die satisfied? I almost wish sometimes that the things I yearned for were simple..living on a farm, raising animals and having a family. Wouldn't that be nice? It's great to yearn for so much...but it sucks when there's not enough resources and time to achieve all these things. Maybe I'm selfish....I want to do so many things. I mean I'm only 21 and I jetted off to Hawaii freshman year...then came to NYC....then spent my summer just moving all around southern California......my mother complains I can't stay in one place. I can't see that changing once I get into the "real world". I want freedom...I need that freedom. Right now I feel SO restricted...I don't want that to be the case after I graduate. I'm so terrified. I want to head to California.........or maybe Europe like I said...but how!

Damnit.

I need to go spend 2 hours on my Stats homework....class in the morning. I have no idea how to approach even the first problem... Statistics=My life....challenging and almost impossible but I have to figure it out/overcome it in order to succeed.

RASCAL FLATTS - "STAND"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you’ll be alright

But you’ll be alright
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
2.
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Bridge:
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Yeah