Halloween Hell

Ok, so it's Hallow's Eve.

What am I doing with my day? First I shall venture off to one of my classes which isn't too painful simply because all we have to do is watch old comedies. (Not shabby)

Then tonight I am helping promote this party at this new place called MYST. It used be QUO - but they changed it and renovated and I'm pretty anxious to see what it looks like. Here's the funny part about tonight. In New York city - Halloween is like 'Slutoween'. Girls look HOT but certainly a bit promiscuous to say the least. I truly think I'm going to be one of the ONLY girls at Myst tonight that doesn't fit the part. Why? Because I'll be wearing THIS costume.



Bahahaha. How tacky is that? I think I'm laughing about it now, but may soon be embarrassed while standing next to alot of smokin' girls as I look like a piece of shit. LOL We shall see....

So the guy I'm dating. I believe last night I said "Siyonara". I'm never in relationships for too long why? I just do NOT want to put up with some of the shit I used to go through. I had the worst relationship in the world for so long.... and this guy is doing things that are very similar to some of the things my ex used to do. I mean he's really fucking it up. I don't think he has a clue as to how to really get to know someone. I won't even type details in here, but I know I wasn't overreacting. I know I do cut it lose a bit too early -- but that's because I have places to go..and things to do..as bitchy as that sounds. I literally don't have time to try to transform someone into the kind of person I like. First off - people are the way they are - they don't change. The proof of such finding lays in the fact that I tried to change a bad guy into a good guy for over 2 years..so no. It's a no go. Oh yeah, and he's a Scorpio. Hmm I wonder if the stars are right ultimately? LOL Maybe Jupiter isn't lined up ot Saturn or some shit. Let's take a look.

Sagittarius and Scorpio

Adventurous Sagittarius loves change and exploring the far horizons, taking every kind of risk (physical, emotional and spiritual), then moving on to the next big challenge. Scorpio on the other hand prefers to dive straight to the nitty-gritty of the relationship, exulting in the exploration of emotional power and commitment. So if it's a challenge you want, Scorpio will give it to you!

Passionate Scorpio, a water sign is ruled by forceful Mars, God of War and seething Pluto, Lord of the Underworld, while Sagittarius, a Fire Sign, is ruled by philosophical Jupiter, Lord of the Dance. Since both of you are very interested in sex, this mixture can be one of the steamiest in the zodiac. Sagittarius, however, is impulsive and spontaneous, even whimsical, while with Scorpio everything is happening below the surface, making it difficult to know what is really going on there.

Scorpio is a Fixed Sign, and Sagittarius a Mutable Sign, so in one way the stability and strength of the Scorpion appeals to the light-hearted Sag. This said, you'll find it hard to come to terms with Scorpio's air of mystery and with that self-contained area which is very much a no-go zone for you. You are quick-tempered but cool quickly, while Scorpio can seethe for days before erupting like a furious volcano. Scorpio can also be very possessive and jealous, something that flies in the face of your flirtatious and freedom-loving spirit. Your playful sexuality soon finds Scorpio's intense, dominating passions too much to cope with and your inclination is to flee.

If the attraction is strong, as it might be if the Moon Signs or other factors are compatible, you'll need to find a common ground from which to build a long-term understanding of each other. Scorpio should understand that you cannot be kept like a bird in a cage. Your outspoken bluntness goes against the scorpion grain too, for Scorpio is secretive and likes to manipulate, while Sagittarius prefers to be open and up-front. You need to control your tongue, and your Scorpion lover needs to keep the whip and spurs on the shelf, at least while you are making travel plans. This is quite a difficult match.

Holy shit.

I think I want to.... throw up. I hadn't even looked at that, and that is EXACTLY our situation. I'm quick tempered and blunt because I can't stand being taken advantage of.

Oh my.........that just freaked me out. Anyways..I think I'm going to go eat a ton of candy and get fatter.
Trick O' Treat

Rascal Flatts is GOD.

I'm crying. Like a little weak girl.

I'm frustrated...just frustrated. Like I bitched and moaned about previously..I'm struggling financially. Why is it that most of my friends who are seniors..are just living their lives happily...going to school with not a financial woe in this world. Either Mommy and Daddy are paying for their extracurricular activities or their parents were smart enough to help them take out enough loans to cover the necessities? Why am I sitting here in utter despair not being able to pay for the little things and the necessities because my energy and time are going to what is needed to finish this school year successfully?

I'm also terrified of what the hell I'm going to do after this year..like I said before. I won't have enough money or the proper credit score to just start anew somewhere. I'm going to have to sit there in miserable Massachusetts for months, and who knows if I'll ever make enough to save up to get the fuck out.

I was just in my Business of TV/Film class.....and my teacher is brilliant. He really is. He brings up the best points ever. And every thing I had to say..he shot it down...with great and truthful responses. Thus making me look like an idiot. Not once, not twice but over and over again. The other students were even laughing at me at the end of it..I just looked like the biggest idiot. I walked out... only to be chased down by the professor....he apologized for pretty much also saying I was retarded (not those exact words but quite close), and insisted I come back to class....I sat down only to still feel like a douchebag.

I'm sort of dating this guy...I like him, but he's going through a really hard time in his life, and he's really bad at the whole communication thing. Weird as that sounds... he's really bad at merely texting me back when I write him a text. I can take it personally as disrespect, but I genuinely do not think he means it that way, that's just not his thing. While many things appeal to me about him -- it's one thing I'm not sure I could get used to if we began dating seriously. I guess I can't expect much from someone who just went through a traumatic experience...I'm the type of person who is a great listener and wants to be there...it's hard for me to be able to truly relate to those who harbor their feelings within..as I am quite the opposite...I guess we'll see.

School blows. I mean I love my TV/Film classes...but I'm taking Statistics this year. It's causing absolute deep anxiety for me. When a teacher gives me 8 problems, I want to break down at the first one. I understood the material up until about Chapter 5..now we're on Chapter 9 and I want to slit my wrists (not literally but you know.) It is SO difficult for me. I feel like it's like I'm learning another language...I don't know if it's just because I over analyze it..or because my ADD takes a hold of me in class and once I'm behind I'm behind..but jeez..it's really effecting me.

If I fail it..I do not graduate in May.

I think it gives me even MORE fear and even MORE pressure.....which sucks.

Anyways...as I was writing this, one of my best friends Amy called..man she always makes me feel better..I fuckin love that girl. Seriously....what would we do without amazing friends?

She's my rock.

Ugh. I'm so confused about life in general.

I want to do SO much. I want to travel Europe..I want to spend a month there, or 6 months and work there. I want to volunteer...I want to direct films. I want to write a book. I want to write a screenplay. I want to take advantage of my singing ability make an album. I want to perform songs in front of people. I want to do stand up. I want to do plays. I want to be in an independent film. I want to be a private investigator. I want to paint a beautiful portrait. I want to learn Spanish more than what I know now..learn it fluently and speak it in a Spanish country. I want to defeat my asthma and run a few miles (I've never been able to do so.) I want to fall in love again...but this time to be loved in return..whole-heartedly......

Why is it that the majority of us are so restricted by time and financial problems that we are unable to do EVERY single one of those things? I mean, some say we can...I've noticed that my fear stops me from doing so many things. My fear of failure...

I find myself taking plenty of risks..but there's some risks that may jeopardize your entire life - so I question them. How do people die satisfied? I almost wish sometimes that the things I yearned for were simple..living on a farm, raising animals and having a family. Wouldn't that be nice? It's great to yearn for so much...but it sucks when there's not enough resources and time to achieve all these things. Maybe I'm selfish....I want to do so many things. I mean I'm only 21 and I jetted off to Hawaii freshman year...then came to NYC....then spent my summer just moving all around southern California......my mother complains I can't stay in one place. I can't see that changing once I get into the "real world". I want freedom...I need that freedom. Right now I feel SO restricted...I don't want that to be the case after I graduate. I'm so terrified. I want to head to California.........or maybe Europe like I said...but how!

Damnit.

I need to go spend 2 hours on my Stats homework....class in the morning. I have no idea how to approach even the first problem... Statistics=My life....challenging and almost impossible but I have to figure it out/overcome it in order to succeed.

RASCAL FLATTS - "STAND"

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you’ll be alright

But you’ll be alright
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
2.
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Bridge:
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand,
Then you stand
Yeah then you stand.
Yeah

Fiesta Fiesta!

Oh the glorious pictures that are taken from a night at the crazy Rutgers University. Fun shit!

Doors Opening and Slamming Shut

So..I'm sitting here listening to Rascal Flatts "My Wish". I love this song...I'm just thinking alot.

Isn't it funny the people that walk in and out of your life? Sometimes the most least expected people become your best friend or someone you may date or whatever it may be.

Then there's the people who you thought would be there until the absolute end...those best friends who you find out, really aren't your best friends. With no names mentioned, I have been so close with the same person since I was a child. She has created her own life in another state, which has been great. I have tried over and over again to maintain such friendship despite distance. She simply either does not care, or has no idea how to be a true friend. Maybe going to the mall, and talking about our latest crushes and what we wanted to be when we grew up was the capacity to which she knew friendship, and as we grew into adults, she then didn't know that it was absolutely pertinent to put forth far more effort to keep a friendship going. I mean, I have several amazing friends and they know how to do it..why doesn't she? I deleted her off my Myspace. If you cannot take out the time to send me a call, a text, return a Myspace message..anything for months on end...what kind of "best friend" are you? I recently saw one of her other said "Best Friends"..who told me she has done the same thing to her. What the hell is wrong with you?

Ugh...makes you question you know? People literally will come in for years and dissapear the next. Makes me kind of scared...feel somewhat alone. How do I know that these college friends that I have right now will still be there? The odds maybe unlikely. So who will be there consistently till the end? I guess just me, myself and I.

We all know I've been single for quite sometime...after TJ pretty much took my poor little naive heart and beat it to a pulp constantly taking advantage of my stupid little ideas, notions, acts and appreciation for him from the age of 17 to about 19/20--- it's made me want to grow into a stronger more knowledgeable woman before ever getting into that situation once again. But honestly there's not many guys who I personally see as being particularly appreciative of me. I like the little things...the little ideas, the little actions, just really appreciating someone. I absolutely adore and go out of my way for my friends, so I anticipate doing that for someone I care about someday. But guys these days...you give more than you get with most. It's so frustrating.

Anyhow..lately I've been a little down I guess.
Well, right now I can hear my friends in the hallway...they're seemingly getting ready to go out for one of my best friend's birthdays. I'm so depressed hearing them all talking and getting ready for the night...ready to party it up for her 22nd. Here I am in my room, in my pjs...I think they're mad at me too. I am unable to go out..why?

I have no money. Between this internship and school, I have next to no time for a formal job. I do gigs here and there, but not enough to get by. I feel so ghetto...I can't even afford to go out for her birthday...I literally am so upset. My phone is getting shut off tomorrow...I am not going out for Halloween because I am unable to buy a costume, and I am struggling because I haven't been able to afford my much needed medicine for the pharmacy.

Look at me...pitiful.

I cannot wait until I'm succesful, and can live at least somewhat comfortably. In my opinion.... you only know (and can appreciate) true success when you've known poverty.

My wallet was swiped last week, so that has also been quite frustrating. No ID... nothing of the sort.

Wow, hasn't this been quite the pity party. I need sleep.

Rumbling Thoughts

I'm sitting here...watching "Footballers Wive$". It's a British show semi-similar to Desperate Housewives - only a bit more edgy. I swear, people bitch and moan about how the United States is so out there, and so awful with their media, but honestly judging by what I've seen, I'd have to say the the UK is far more provocative.

So I'm watching this and I'm seeing a woman do lines of coke (not that I haven't seen far too much of that here in New York), and I see alot more sexual scenes that show a bit more than one would expect. It even shows bare asses and breasts/nipples. Talk about lack of censorship! I mean I'm not neccessarily complaining really...the guys are pretty damn hot in this...the females are okay.

Anyways, the production quality and techniques in this show are definitely different and I'd have to say not as good (production wise) as shows like Desperate Housewives, but definitely entertaining the say the least. I don't really understand what they're saying some of the times with their thick accents and British slang, but whatever - I like it. Thank God for Netflix.

So I'm still thoroughly enjoying my internship at MTV. While I don't do CRAZY important work, I still feel like I'm learning alot and getting a great experience. I absolutely love the people I work with and the people I've met thus far...I certainly wouldn't mind working there after graduation if given the chance. This Sunday I got to work at the Hip Hop Honors Celeb Bball Game. I worked my butt off, but had alot of fun. I got to work directly with the talent, so that was fun even though I was pretty much their slave. Got to talk to and help out Fat Joe and Chris Brown primarily, along with several other old school hip hop people.


I look like a deer in headlights lol. I've got a video too, but I'm totally unsure if you can even put one on this blog.

Anyhow, moving along. Oh man, this is bad. I just went and got dinner and downstairs was one of those Halloween sized bags of Kit Kats. I bought it. Why? Why? Why? I was eating so well when I got here..on my sisters food method... which has been near impossible to maintain since I've gotten here since I haven't had a real opportunity to buy my own food...from a supermarket or prepare it in a kitchen. I mean, I guess if I really wanted to continue trying I could try 10x harder, but I'm so stressed with school and stuff. Ugh I wish I was given the genes in my family to be skinny..but I have never really been super skinny except when I was younger. This blows.

Anyways... there's so much I want to write..but...I need to wallow in this chocolate that I've been craving so much lately, and watch Footballers.... I'll write more later.

Pce.

October News

So it's October now. The leaves are falling...and I see all sorts of Halloween decorations gracing store fronts, and signs. I love fall. Man I love this city...I was speaking with Katy and Lauren today, just saying how exciting this amazing place is. Every day I find something new, and am always enamored by this crazy city.

I have to face a choice come this summer. I'm really torn between New York City & Los Angeles. I absolutely love California....I have some great friends there too, but my questions about living there are:

1) Will it be good for the beginning of my career? We all know that mostly films are made out there, and I feel like if you want to get involved in production, that starting in Television Production is probably better...and if I'm not mistaken New York City has more TV shows? Or maybe it's split?

2) Will it be good for me personally? I loved California this summer...I really did, but I feel like LA really makes you shallow and I felt like I was changing..and I'm not sure if I was changing for the better...was too soon to tell how I'd be if I stayed there for longer than a few months.

3) Will it be best to live that far away from family? I have such a large family and being away from them definitely hurts, and while I don't neccessarily want to live in Massachusetts, I question whether or not living 3,000 miles away is best, as far as staying close with them, and if anything else occurs (good or bad), not being easily accessible.

I certainly wonder all these things, and have to decide on such factors soon.



The positives about LA

1) The weather is amazing. It actually makes me happier to be in such weather....I appreciate the beauty of that state..I really do. No harsh cold miserable winters.

2) I feel like ultimately it may be where I want to be as far as career wise... as I get older, I want to move on up, and do bigger things, and I feel as if California has all that.

3) I feel like I can breathe here... take a deep breath and go slowly if I want. I don't feel like I get too stressed there. I'm calmer for sure.

Ok, now on to NYC



The negatives:

1) I've already been here for what will be 3 years by the time I've graduated. And we all know I'm all about new experiences. I mean, I could always come back right? I've seen much of what this city has to offer, and I absolutely love it! But do I want to limit myself yet?

2) The weather...I can't stand it. I feel like half the time I'm miserable because of it. People say ... "but you're from Boston! You're used to this weather!" Doesn't mean I like it or want to be in it for the rest of my damn life!

3) It's too fast...you can't breathe half the time. Everyone is on fast forward, and going a million miles a minute. No time to just relax and enjoy life. I feel like life goes by far too quickly here.

Positives...

1) This city is amazing. I'd have to say it's certainly one of the top 3 cities in this entire WORLD. So much culture, experiences and it changes constantly. Crazy things happen here, and it's so fun to be a part of it.

2) It's pretty close to home. I can go home easily, and keep in touch with my family and friends. We're only 4-5 hours away, so it's definitely doable!

3) I have alot of friends here, and I'm really comfortable with this city. I know my way around, and I know that I would probably do fine here?

Ugh. I'm so torn. I'm really missing California and my amazing experiences out there!! I miss it soooo much. I'm sure though, that if I were in California right now, I'd miss it here. Oh man, I could have a job where I could split my time between the two, but I guess that's for the super successful! I can only hope to be that someday.

Anyways -- on another note.

I do plan on traveling and helping out in Ghana Africa after graduation for a month, so that's something that I am definitely doing before I enter into the real world. More on that later..must go to sleep again...... goodnight!

Feeling Frenzy

So yeah, I posted that thing yesterday. Can't get my mind off the guy. He's everywhere like I said. I miss him...I miss his friendship overall. I miss hearing that voice... hearing that everything would be okay...hearing that he believed in me, and overall loved me despite any major flaws that exist. (Trust me, there are many). I swear, in another world him and I will be like two inseparable peas in a pod. If only those circumstances weren't standing in the way . . . I truly think I'd be one of the happiest kids on this planet. But enough of that... my mind has been consumed with him for the past few days now that I saw the preview for that show.

I'm sitting here in between classes listening to my Wreckers CD...I had been meaning to get this album for months, but between not having time or dinero, I had never gotten the chance to pick it up. I went to a cancer benefit last week with Blue October and in the gift bag I got this one..I absolutely love it. I love Michelle Branch. When I was venturing off to Hawaii for my first year of college and also fighting with my stubborn heart about that awful boyfriend I had for years....I listened to her album. It helped me escape, and I oftentimes went on aimless drives in my car (R.I.P). I missed her voice...and here she is with Jessica Harp (they both sound so much alike!) and they're singing songs with a country twang. I adore it. I met her briefly...of course I was pretty drunk off that open bar...but regardless, it was great meeting her. You can tell I was happy with my shit eat grin lol.


And then I got all giddy for this stupid guy in Blue October..Matt. So kind and sweet....until I found out he had a girlfriend.
They sing that song "Hate Me"..it's all over the radio..yeah I will hate you Matty.....kiss me, and tell me you have a girlfriend back in Austin, Texas. Great guy you are. "Oh, but we're not doing well... and you, I can't get enough of you... when I first met you..blah blah" Shut up. We all know you're just trying to get laid. Seriously..I met him randomly outside of work...had no idea who they were until their song jogged my memory.

Ugh the bastard. Guys - all the same right? Except for a select few. And they're either all married or...handicap..or not so aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Of course. Or they speak Swahili...or some foreign language...damn language barriers. I seriously bet the best guy for me is in like... Norway or something. He's definitely not in the United States. LOL

So Katy and I were discussing just how scared we are. We are scared at the beginning of our lives...no more parents, no more school, no more going down the hall and knocking on a friend's door when we feel alone. It's us. Bills, jobs, responsibility. I mean, I have plenty of that right now - but after May...it's showtime. It scares the shit out of me. I'm not even sure where I'm headed. California? London? Staying here in New York? What the fuck? What will I be? Who will I be with? What will I do? Where am I going altogether? I am so terrified. I was so terrified before I ventured off to college, but this is so much more different...this is real. The odds of me living back in Massachusetts is slim to none. How will I afford to live in New York? Will I get any job offers? Am I going to Africa for that month after I graduate like I had wanted? Or will that ruin the possibilities of starting my new life properly? I am so scared.

I've got eight months. Eight months to decide what I'm going to do with my life.

Let's pray to God he leads me the right way. I've already learned too much at this age...I've seen too much. I want to be innocent again and naive - well, to a degree. I want to make the right choices and never suffer the way I have again.

I hope everything turns out okay, no matter where I go... Let's only hope.

Moving along

Hard to get over someone when you suddenly see them on your TV screen and randomly hear an unknown song of theirs at a store you're shopping in.

Talk about reminders. Just drive the knife in a little deeper.



Here's to you...here's to me...itt could have been...